There's something that's been building up inside of me and I hate it. It's like I can't think or anything, I'm so upset and consumed by it. Okay, here goes. I'm extremely frusterated, and well, I feel lost, in a way. This isn't a new thought, by the way. Well, the only reason why my husband cut down on his fat jokes is because I've lost 35lbs in about ten months. I mean that's pretty sad, isn't it. But you know what? I"m angry as well as frusterated. I have this really weird, twisted, warped thinking that maybe, just maybe I *should* go ana just to "punish" my husband. I mean, he can't even begin to understand how bad he's hurt me. Sure, yeah, I understand my foster families doing it to me, but my own freaking husband? Isn't a husband supposed to be your soul mate? Your best friend? (Grrrr, I reallyreallyreally hope there isn't any teenagers reading this entry!) Argh, I feel so alone, and confused, I suppose, and wishing things could be different. It's like nothing I say or do is good/right in Hubby's eyes. Even when I was dating him, and was 125lbs, he told me I should lose some weight. Gosh, why IS he so fixated on weight, anyway? And for all the nine years I've been with him and he's hurt me so bad on the inside, I really want to strike out and hurt him, you know? I want to leave him, ultimately, but yet I have two children, I can't separate the family. (There's so much going on, and it'll take forever for me to explain it all.) But while I'm still in this marriage, it feels like I want to lash out and teach him a big fat lesson, I'd get so freaking skinny he'd be sorry fall all the cruel jokes he said to me! *Sigh* I know this isn't healthy, neither is this way of thinking. It's just how I'm feeling inside, and yes, I do want to lose my annoying gut and make my butt smaller. What really bothers me, is that the only reason why the fat jokes have lessened (and no, they haven't stopped completely) is ONLY BECAUSE I've lost the weight...NOT BECAUSE he realized he was wrong and that he was hurting my feelings. He still turns to his own mother and tells her she is fat! He points me to big women and either makes derogatory comments about her or ask me how would I like to be that big and that if I were that big he'd make me walk fifteen miles! Someone asked me the other day if I was trying to become an anorexic. I said no, I just want to be thin and put an end to this craziness. I'm sick and tired of being fat and being part of some fat person stereotype and well, I just want to be left alone and just be allowed to be me...